If only.

I'm going to start writing down snappy retorts on a 3x5 notecard, and that way when some pudwanker says something dumb I'll have a snappy response handy.

Wow, you're really going to have your hands full!

Nah, not really.  I'm just going to get more chicken wire and expand the kid-cage in the backyard.  I wouldn't want ANYTHING to come between me and my stories.

You know pregnant women really shouldn't be drinking soda.  (said in the checkout line of a grocery store while buying Bryan some nasty-ass diet Pepsi).

Well getting high makes me thirsty, and it's either this or Vodka, so....

You cloth diaper?  Wow, well good for you!  I just couldn't stand the thought of touching poop.  That's just so gross!

Well I love poop.  Actually, I just scrape it off her diaper and put it in a glass jar that I carry around with me everywhere I go.  (digging around in purse)  Wanna see?

So, how old is *that* one? (pointing to Phoebe, usually said when they realize I'm pregnant and carrying around a toddler)

Oh, that one's not really mine.  I have a soft spot for strays, and once you feed them it's a BITCH to get rid of them.

That's interesting.  Does it hurt to carry her around in that thing? (said when Phoebe's in the sling)

My instructor for my bondage/S&M class said I needed to work on my pain tolerance, so that's why I do it.  It's only really a problem when I can't see because tears of agony are streaming down my face.

I know most people don't mean anything by their comments, but really it's either be a sarcastic brat or carry around a bullhorn, so that when I hear a stupid question/comment coming on I can just blast their asses, and then waddle away gleefully.  Now that I think of it, maybe the bullhorn idea sounds better...

Comments

[Candice]

oooh I like both ideas. The bull horn thing is great! And seriously. People are a-holes. I deal with it too. And now I went and got my nose peirced because why? I wanted to hear more crap? Well. I just decided I don't give a rat's ass anymore. Seriously though I need to borrow you for some good comebacks. What would you say to someone who asks you how old you are, obviously only because you have kids in tow?

[Candice]

oh yeah and the cloth diaper thing? Well the new sitter at the YMCA totwatch asked me, "Can I ask you why you do that? I mean is there a particular reason?"Are you freakin kidding me?No there's no particular reason for anything I do.Like that, right there, no reason I reached out and slapped you. No reason at all.

[Karen Rani]

i totally heart you.

[Charmaine]

I'm convinced that something about pregnant women and small infants give strangers the idea that it's their right to impart unsolicited advice AND an invasion of personal space. How many times have total strangers come up and touched your belly!?!?! Yeah. Weird.

[sarahgrace]

You know I always think of good things to say later- and then if I am ever gifted with wit at the right time to say something, I wimp out. But, omigosh! the audacity of some people!

[Vanessa]

Those are great comebacks! Don't you wish you could think of those things when the jerk who said it was still present? That is one of my greatest dreams!!

[CrazyUs]

I have been there and have totally wished I had my own set of 3X5 cards. Like the women in the store who intently followed me around. Kyle was less than a year old at the time and kept pulling his socks off. This lady was fixated on telling me that it was really too cold for him and that I really needed to see that his socks were not on (as if I did not know that his socks were not on). If I had a 3x5 card, oh the come back I could have had. A bullhorn would totally do though.



You look beautiful by the way. I love your pregnant photo from the other day.

[christina]

OH my god lady, I heart you so much for this post!! It made my night.

[Cara]

OK I printed these off and I'm gonna keep it on me. They were damn, damn funny!

[Mrs. Flinger]

Hi! I've seen you on Mama C Ta and Candice's blog so I had to stop in. My god, woman, you're a RIOT. LUFF these. Can I add the old person who says, "Oohh, she isn't dressed warmly enough" when it's sixty out? Dude, if YOU are cold, it does not mean everything that actually has blood circulating is. Gah.