Shit, you guys. I’ve literally written this post in my head like a millions times, and just sat here and wrote out, then deleted 3 posts about it. Writing about this is hard, and I’m struggling with how much to say, and how much background to give, and what’s the right way to talk about this. This is all extremely personal, but I’m really proud of myself and I want to share my progress.
I will say this: I have body-image issues. I guess I’ll probably always have them. I try not to talk about it much, and I try to watch what I say around my girls. For a very long time I’ve worn clothes that hide my shape because my body and I, well, we have a complicated relationship. It’s been very emotionally hard on me doing this whole weight loss thing. My instinct is to just stop eating. Period. I’m fighting that instinct, but it’s something I struggle with every. single. day. I don’t want my kids to think that starving yourself is healthy, or heaven forbid “normal.”
It’s hard to convey how far I’ve come without really getting into all the nitty-gritty details. I get that. But for me, this journey isn’t just about another mom who decided to get off her ass and work out. For me, it’s much much deeper than that. For me, this is about trying to change the way I feel about me, the way I think about me, the way I take care of me.
Around the end of September I forced myself to get off my ass and work on myself. I sort of didn’t want to talk about it, because it’s a really hard thing for me to do. Also, if I failed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I also get really tired of hearing, “What? But you look great for having 4 kids!” That’s like a knife in the guts. I just want to look good, and frankly the number of kids I’ve had shouldn’t factor into it.
I’ve lost about 15 pounds since I started this whole thing. I went from 150lbs to 135lbs, and that was a shit-ton of work. I don’t do diets, and I never will. That’s not what this is about for me. This is about making overall healthier choices. This is about choosing to continue to eat while trying to lose weight. For me, that’s fundamentally counter-intuitive. My brain screams at me to stop putting food in my mouth, and I have to fight that feeling and sometimes it’s exhausting.
But look, I’ve come really far. I have photos on Flickr (they’re marked private to friends and family because I don’t want the whole internet to see me in my underwear) so if you check out my Fitness set you’ll see my progress. The last one I took was about 2 weeks ago, and I’m fine sharing that because it’s not too revealing. Those are pants that I used to be able to wear, and then pushed to the back of my closet because they were too tight. I took them out just to see if they would fit me now, and they’re loose. Which absolutely shocked me.
I’m not done, I’m not 100% where I want to be, but I get that I’m a work in progress. I’m starting to be a little bit more proud of the way I look. I’m starting to wear clothes that are flattering, that don’t hide my shape. I like showing off my baby arm-muscles, because I worked really hard to get them. My new goal is to get some abs and get more muscular definition, whatever the number on the scale says. I’m starting to care less about how much I weigh, and more about making myself stronger. I would like to get my overall body fat percentage down, but I’m not going to say no to a piece of cake, and I’m sure as shit going to eat pizza if I feel like eating pizza. So, we’ll see what happens.
But I’m getting better and better every day, and I’m sticking with it. I’m giving myself a big hug right now, because frankly I deserve it.
Apr 15, 2013 
