Broken.

One of the things that really sticks with me about Charlie's birth is how intense my labor was.  It seemed, after a certain point, that the only way I could get relief was to grab Bryan's hand and have him push against me as hard as he could while I was bearing down.

When the anesthesiologist came into the room I had to sit up and put my legs over the side of the bed.  As I was doing this I thought to myself, "There is NO WAY that I will be able to sit through these contractions while he inserts that needle into my back.  I'm not going to be able to do this."  I kept telling the anesthesiologist to, "Wait!  Wait!"  during several intense contractions, and I pushed so hard I thought I would split in two.  That was the only way I was able to stand the pain.

I think I have a prolapsed uterus.  Actually, I don't think it.  I'm pretty damn sure of it.  Bryan is going to call tomorrow to see if I can be seen by some nicer doctors than the one that delivered Charlotte, but I'm really really scared.

Nothing is ever wrong with me.  My body is amazing and resilient and I've taken it for granted that there would never be any problems.  I'm scared about the possibility of a hysterectomy.  I'm scared that some dumb doctor is going to tell me that they have to remove my uterus, just to bill Medi-Cal $7,000.  I'm scared I'm going to have to have surgery.  I'm scared that I won't be able to have any more babies.  Even though Bryan and I have considered that Charlie might be our last child, I don't want the option taken away from me; I don't know if I can handle it.

So, tomorrow we're making the appointment, and I'm going to find out for sure what's going on with my broken body, and try to fix it.  I'm prepared for the worst, but I'm hoping for the best.

Comments

[Elaine]

I'm going to send you a crap load of info on this. Don't agree to anything just yet with those MD's, kay?

[mamafrog]

oh, daphne! i hope it all works out okay. i know the fear of having the option of more children taken away from you. thankfully, mine wasn't (i don't have the rare blood disorder after all, or at least not that seriously...) i hope things work out just as well for you. good luck!

[J]

Oh Daph, don't be worried. Things will work out as they should - wishing you the best and keeping my fingers crossed!

[Charmaine]

Hoping that your appointment goes well and you feel better...soon!

[Vanessa]

I'm sending you good thoughts. And don't agree to a hysterectomy if that's all that is wrong with you. Doctors do entirely too many of them, simply because it's an easy way to end just about anything that would be wrong with a female. Does that make sense?

[beautifulmess]

oh, honey, i'm sorry. i'm praying that you'll get the best possible diagnosis & that everything will be fixed without a hysterectomy. good luck.

[KB]

Oh Daph, I'm totally thinking of you. xoxo

[Nicole]

sending lots of positive, non-surgical thoughts your way...

[Karen Rani]

Many positive thoughts coming your way...xoxoxo...Karen

[Heidi]

Hi Daph, I happened across your blog today and read about your female "issues". Do NOT let them do one unless it is a life threatening situation. As women we pride ourselves on our "choices" so dont feel forced for anything. They are able to do many differant things to help with a prolapsed uterus and bladder. I'll say prayers for you and it will be just as it is supose to. Good luck heidi

[Heidi]

Hi Daph, I happened across your blog today and read about your female "issues". Do NOT let them do one unless it is a life threatening situation. As women we pride ourselves on our "choices" so dont feel forced for anything. They are able to do many differant things to help with a prolapsed uterus and bladder. I'll say prayers for you and it will be just as it is supose to. Good luck heidi

[Mrs. Flinger]

Oh, girlie. So sorry you're going through this. I hope they find an answer for you and you have an honest doc to help you out.

Keep us updated!

[Candice]

AW! Here for you as always!

[pretendingsanity]

I'm hoping for the best too. You're a very strong woman. I know you will be ok no matter what. xxoo